Mirror of Justice

Is Your Elderly Parent Driving You Nuts?

July 19th, 2009 at 10:10am Under Elder Law

By:  Carolyn L. Rosenblatt, R. N., Attorney at Law

Caregiving can be a beautiful, though difficult experience.  We love our parents, and want to help as they grow frail and less able to do for themselves.  It is our last chance, at this part of their lives, to show love, to be loved and to help them as they once helped us when we were babies.  But can they drive you a little crazy (or a lot) in the meantime?  You bet!

For those who are caring for an aging parent with Alzheimer’s Disease or other dementia, the memory loss problems can lead to complete contradictions, irrational changes in behavior, and many repetitions. The parent may ask you the same question over and over, until you run out of patience answering it.  She may accuse you of taking her money, her purse, or anything, until you pick it up from where she left it and show it to her.  Then, maybe she’ll ask you for it again a few minutes later.  This kind of problem faces most caregiving adult children who are trying to manage an elderly parent at home.  How do you keep from blowing up?

Maybe you can’t and you lose patience sometimes.  When you do, it’s a sign of your stress level, and part of your internal “guidance” that you need some relief.  Where do you get it?  Family, friends, and caregiving agencies are good sources for many.  Even if you have a sibling who seldom helps, you may be able to persuade him or her to take Dad for a weekend, or a day. It won’t happen unless you ask, as the reluctant–to-help siblings never volunteer, do they?  Many assisted living facilities offer “respite care”.  That is, they will take care of your aging parent overnight, or for a few days, for a daily fee. The elder typically receives all meals and can participate in social activities offered. Arrangements must be made in advance, to be sure there is a room available.

Many homecare agencies will also place a worker with your aging parent for a day or even a few hours, to enable you to get a break.  You need to research agencies in your area and find out about short term services, if long term help is not in the budget.  When the budget is too tight to pay for help, seek relief through your local volunteer organizations, senior centers, churches, synagogues or community service groups.  Asking for a volunteer to stay with your elderly parent can relieve the feeling of being overwhelmed, and allow you to take care of your own needs that so often get pushed aside in the caregiver’s life.

The National Family Caregiver Alliance, a nonprofit organization,  is also a helpful resource, among many other resources on the internet.  It provides support groups and even local retreats for caregivers through its offices in many cities across the country. The most important thing is to ask for help. Admit that this just gets to be too much sometimes. We all have limits. It may seem hard to get away, but it is as necessary as caring for Mom that the caregiver take time out to refresh and recharge those batteries.

© 2009, AgingParents.com, Carolyn L. Rosenblatt, R. N., Attorney at Law

I Just Can’t Do it Anymore: Depression Associated With Caring for Elderly Parents

July 11th, 2009 at 04:10pm Under Elder Law

Carol parked outside the two-door garage of her mother’s house  noticing that the usually perfectly pristine lawn was now full of sprouting weeds and wilting begonias. She went through the unexpectedly unlocked door as she called out to her mother.  As she walked into the kitchen she noticed her mother’s solitary figure hunched over a kitchen stool while the elderly woman stared out the skylight window.

“Mom didn’t you hear me calling you?” Carol asked as she stood in front of her mother. Ruth, a widowed, 70 year young mother of 3, grandmother of 7, retired high school teacher, avid gardener, international art film-buff and baker of the world’s best  pumpkin pie blankly stared at her daughter. “Did you speak to your father about that prom dress you wanted?” Ruth finally whispered. “Yeah I did mom….yeah I did”, Carol resignedly said as she gently guided her mother to the living room couch.

It had started with a little spacing out, forgetting birthdays, appointments, and even town bake sale events that she had never missed. Then a couple of months ago, Ruth began talking about her husband whom she had lost 5 years ago to colon cancer, as if he were alive and somewhere in the house busying himself with some household task. Alzheimer’s disease became a legitimate suspicion when just last week Sue’s 18 year-old daughter found Nana sleeping on a park bench 20 miles away from her home.

This is the story of millions of Americans caring for elderly parents, having to suddenly become experts in home health care, medications, elder laws, hospital and nursing home regulations, all the while fighting personal feelings of anger, abandonment, guilt, depression, and disappointment.

A USA TODAY/ABC News/Gallup Poll of baby boomers reports that 41% of those with a living parent are providing financial and/or personal care and 8% of boomers say their parents have moved in with them.

The USA TODAY poll finds a significant portion of the boomers who are helping their parents report the responsibility as only a “minor sacrifice” or “no sacrifice at all”. However, the remaining boomers polled report deleterious personal physical and emotional health consequences, such as high blood pressure, that is nearly double the risk of their American peers who are not caring for an elder parent. Alarmingly, 91% of boomers who report worsened physical health due to caring for an elderly parent, also report debilitating depressive symptomatology.

Caring for elderly parents can greatly threaten the physical and emotional health of caregivers and their families. The tasks caregivers face range from providing emotional support (such as frequent “checking in” telephone calls), to helping with the instrumental activities of daily living (such as transportation, shopping, housekeeping, meal preparation, and bill paying), to helping with personal care tasks (such as bathing and dressing). Care giving becomes all the more stressful when the elder parent is impaired by challenging emotional limitations such as dementia, as families must deal with impaired cognitive abilities, difficult behaviors, and the pain of personality changes in a loved one. If the elder’s behavior is embarrassing, the caregiver may become isolated and drop previously enjoyed activities.  The caregiver can become so engrossed in caring for the elder parent that other family members, such as children and spouses are neglected. When caring for an elder exceeds the family’s capacity, it is not surprising that family members react with fear, anger, shame, doubt, and sadness.  If the elder must ultimately be cared for in a nursing home, the caregiver must then deal with the nagging feelings of  guilt and  ambivalence over the decision not to mention the potentially devastating financial distress.

Before the boomer reaches the point of “I just can’t take it anymore”, just like the support they provide for their aging parents, caregivers,  need to seek support for themselves. Don’t be afraid or ashamed to ask for help (emotional or financial) from other family members, neighbors, church members and other support groups. Becoming a parent to your parent can be a difficult and painful process but also one that can be quite reparative in that it presents an opportunity to work through old wounds, close intergenerational misunderstandings, and bring a new found family closeness.

Want to learn more helpful tips or have a personal elder caregiving experience you’d like to share? Come join www.boomeryearbook.com and connect with other boomers. We understand.