A Message from John Cleese
To: The citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President
of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which
she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for
America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of
you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will
be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the
suffix -ise.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. (look up 'vocabulary' ).
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your
behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of
the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn
your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to
sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you
wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in
animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to
as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as Lager.
South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the
greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.
They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having
one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try
Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they
regularly thrash us.
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn
cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the
sting out of their deliveries.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. ta x collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs,
with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
God save the Queen.
Only He can.
John Cleese what is rong with kansas? >:( no, we are internationally recognized. LETS INVADE THOSE YANKEE WANKERS John Cleese is hysterically funny.
I have great empathy for those who don't understand a joke when they see one. ARE YOU KIDDING NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO John Cleese is a comedian dude. It's a joke. i found this quite amusing, LMAO that was great =) I wish they did, our leaders are terrible no The man is a true comic genius. Love it!!!!!!
I don't know what's funnier, what he wrote or that someone would actually think that the Brits want you guys back. Oh, you English are *so* superior, aren't you? Well, would you like to know what you'd be without us, the good ol' U.S. of A. to protect you? I'll tell you. The smallest f***ing province in the Russian Empire, that's what! You need to get out more.... that letter is eight years old, and was written at the time that Sore/Loserman were contesting the Florida election results. The original version didn't say "(except Kansas, which she does not fancy)" - it said "(except Utah, which she does not fancy).", which I think was more likely :-)
(And if you didn't know, John Cleese is one of the "Monty Python" comedians)
Richard No you cannot repossess the United States but we will give aid and comfort to all those Brits who want out of the UK because they will not convert to Islam. Word of warning, we have Dentist and expect them to be used, and marrying your cousin is frowned upon here. Other than that, let's drink a toast to our new partnership. Oh the Queen can come too, it will be easier for her to visit Canada from here. Not too crazy about Charles and horse face, but if it has to be part of the package we'll make some special dispensation cuz we like you. hahaha I agree with all this, being a propa brit myself, we brits own the world!!!good topic! love the pro brit stuff, In case you don't know, John Cleese is the very tall man in all of the Monty Python movies and shows (Sir Lancelot in the Holy Grail). This letter is a joke. The US has nukes, and therefore cannot be taken over. How can Britain take back something they never gave away? We took our independence from them by force and would keep it the same way if need be. Here is my answer to John Cleese:
Sir;
Please refer back to the late 1930's when the USA instituted the Lend Lease to Britain and saved your collective butts by giving (lending) you weapons, ammo and assorted items of war to help against the Nazis, who were out to destroy the British Isles.
I might also note that of the billions of dollars of aid and weaponry given (again, we will say "lend"), absolutely NOT ONE THIN DIME was ever paid back.
Before you attempt to retrieve what was taken from you in a war you lost, I suggest you start by surrendering the British Empire to us, since without what we did during WWII, you would not exist today except as a footnote in German textbooks.
Respectfully;
The American People John Cleese is funny. What would be more humorous is the attempt by the queen and her majesties army attempting to enforce any of this.
But John is funny, some of the items made me smile. This is a very funny "letter". John Cleese is brilliant. If you want a serious question about whether or not Britian can reposess the US then the answer is "what's the difference". The only politics that counds today is the politics of economics. I'm not going to delve into it too much but ultimately there is no difference between the two countries. |
