How can we establish a trust or a will if my wife and I disagree on the distribution of the estate?

Each of you has your own will, so you don't necessarily have to agree. As to assets each of you owns individually, the will of whichever one owns a particular asset will control where that asset will go upon his/her death; as to assets you hold jointly with a right of survivorship, the will of whichever one outlives the other will determine where the asset will ultimately end up.

If you own property on your own, and not joint with your wife, you can leave it to whomever you want.

If you own property with her, then each of you leave it to the other - assuming that only one of you dies first, and you don't both die in the same horrible accident. That way, the last one standing gets to choose what to do with your assets. The other one won't really care much at that point.

The hard part is deciding what happens if you both check out at the same time. At that point, you have to decide how to divide it. Maybe your estate gets converted to cash, and each of you gets to distribute half of it?

If you own your real property in joint tenancy, the only time a disagreement as how to divide the estate would come into play is if you died together. If one of you died first, the survivor would get the entire estate and then could do with it as they pleased. So why not compromise on how to distribute everything and then the surviving spouse has the option to change it. Sorry, I don't mean to sound cold and callous, but when you are gone, is it really going to matter how the estate is distributed?

I guess if your assets are joint the real decision will be left to whichever of you outlives the other. Either that or agree to split ownership now and you can each leave a separate will dictating what you want to happen to your own legacy.

Basically, you can't. That's what intestacy is for.