Asking too much of a child..?

This is quite a complicated question.

But basically, my closest friend had a baby when she was 17 and she gave him up for adoption. That was 15 years ago. She now is married and has a daughter (with the same man who fathered her first child she gave up) Her daughter was born premature and has her fair share of illnesses in her little life, she has leukemia and may require and bone marrow transplant. My friend was upset so over a long conversation, she suddenly blurted out that she would consider tracking down her first child to be tested to see if he is a match. Now, firstly, in most cases, siblings bone marrow aren't a match. And secondly, this child may not even know he's adopted, and by her doing this, she may 'ruin' his life as he knows it.

I just feel shes not considering her first childs feelings, and not just this, are there laws to stop her doing that?

Sorry to burden you guys with problems .. I just need advice really .. I don't know how to feel for her.

The contact and identity laws vary from state to agency, but she just sounds like a mother who is about to lose her daughter. In that state some people will contemplate murder, so she's actually handling it pretty well. Her daughter is dying; she won't be broad-minded or generous about this.

To the question of this kid's life being ruined by the news, it would be ruined for a few weeks and then go back to normal, and just telling him he's adopted doesn't change the fact that he is and always has been. (Which he'll discover eventually whether anyone likes it or not, or even confirm himself after being suspicious for a while.)

> Now, firstly, in most cases, siblings bone marrow aren't a match

sure, statistically speaking, but actually siblings are the best bet of anyone for a bone marrow transplant.

I have someone close to me who had bone marrow cancer and the only match was from his sister. he would have been dead for sure years ago had she not stepped up to be tested.

She is trying to save her daughter's life, as any mother would. Why are you getting involved in her affairs?

As Ann Landers would have said, MYOB.

Unless it was an open adoption, I don't think she would be able to contact him directly. She would have to go through whatever agency adopted him out 15 years ago. Then they would contact the parents/child to let them know the birth mother was wanting contact.
I know she must be very stressed and fearful of losing her daughter, but to suddenly get in touch with a child you gave up only to request something big like this is a bit selfish.

Just listen to your friend and don't judge her.
What you should do is get your bone marrow tested and get on the bone marrow registry. http://www.marrow.org/
That should show her that you support her in trying to find an ethical match.
The more people that get tested the better the chances are that a life is saved.

I don't think the first child should be asked such a thing, he would be asked to help the life of what he sees as complete strangers.

Totally unethical!

I imagine your friend is absolutely desperate and wants to consider every possibility. If I were in her situation the idea of tracking down the first child would certainly cross my mind!

And it's also pretty likely that she's feeling lots of complex things: guilt about giving him up, worry that he might also be sick and she'd never know about it, regret that making contact with him would involve introducing him to a family with so much suffering and stress.

Even if she does find him (which isn't always possible) she can't have him tested without the legal consent of his adoptive parents (and his consent in principle). So yes, there are laws in place to protect him.

But I can see why she might want to initiate contact with him at this point in her life.

It sounds like you're a really good friend and you're being really supportive, and that's just what she needs right now. I hope she finds a match for her daughter.

Full blooded siblings only have a 1 in 4 chance of matching. Half siblings very rarely will match.

If she does go looking, she will have to have the current legal parent's consent as the child is a minor. She will likely have to go through the adoption agency/lawyers that she used for the actual adoption. And after finding the child, the current legal parents would have to give their permission. That would be an odd case as minors cannot donate to unrelated donors because it is elective surgery that will not benefit them. There may be legal issues there because of that. While it is biologically family, this child is not the adopted child's family in most pretenses of the word.

But, I can understand where she comes from. My mom told my spouse that she breifly considered tracking down my biological father.. and I was conceived through rape. When a parent's child is that sick, there is little that they wont consider, and I was an adult when this happened.

She needs a psychologist and a support group for herself. She needs to ask her child's docs on where to go for these resources.

Also, give her this link which can help link her up with other parents whose children have had to go through the transplant. Its a very very long and rough road, and she will need outside support to make it through.
http://www.bmtinfonet.org/services.html